So...It was a mostly uninteresting week. Monday was actually pretty cool. I dont usually enjoy sampler night at club too much, but i enjoyed both the second anime we watched, and then the Hellsing OVA after it. Infact, i liked the Hellsing OVA so much that i asked Matt to send me the rest of them, which i then watched late into the night (that was on tuesday)

Wed and Thurs i did pretty much nothing, just went to class and hung out around the house. Helped mom do raking. a LOT of raking. enough raking to actually make me sore.

Today's Friday, and i'm actually really looking forward to tonight. I'm bringing Jay home from you UCONN, and then we're going out tonight. I guess my friend Jeff is interested in this girl, but she's not ready to go out with him alone. so she's dragging a bunch of her friends along with her to Archie Moore's, and I've been invited to come along. So, with any luck, i could meet someone tonight. At the very least, i'll meet some new people, and have some people to hang out with for tonight, so It's a win win scenario as far as i'm concerned.

The saturday is Lazer Tag with Anime Club. I got my buddy Hussain to come in early (that way i'll get off around 1, 1:30) so that i can actually meet everyone at 2. How did i get him to do that? i offered to cover his whole shift this wed. Sounds unfair, but i'm stoked, cuz thats just more hours for me, which means more money. I'm rich, Bitch!

So, here's the thing. i'm not gonna say anything about this publicly, because the decision's been made already, and me bitching isnt gonna change it. But this is my journal, and i want to say this somewhere, so here's where i'm sticking it. For those of you who read this that this concerns, i'm sorry if i offend, i'm certainly not trying to.

I'm really pretty pissed that i'm not going to be allowed to come to Fauxgiving. I was originally invited still this year, despite me and Caitlin breaking up. I took pains to make sure of that, and i know i got reassurances from at least 2 different people, one of them Caitlin herself. Apparently, though, this got forgotten, and now there's no more room for me. I'll survive, obviously, but it still stings. I was looking forward to it.

In happier news, the new girl at work is cute, really nice, and new in the area, so i dont think she's attached as of yet. I work with her again on Saturday, so hopefully i can talk with her some more. Weird coincidence though, we both worked at Fosdick, although she was just a temp phone answerer, and i worked there for almost 3 years.

She WAS there. For the first time in months, i saw Dee. She's just as cute as i remember her, just as nice and sweet, and still funny. It was really awesome seeing her, except for 2 things. 1) She had a boyfriend, and this one's been around for a while, if i remember correctly. Nice guy too, i liked him. And 2)... i didnt care. It didnt bother me that the girl i had such a huge crush on for so long was completely unnavailable.

This confused me for a bit, until i figured out that...i dunno. While it's safe to say she's still attractive, I'm just not into her anymore. not that i'd kick her outta bed for eating crackers, mind you. But...in all honesty, i wasnt dissapointed that there was no connection to be made. She was my type, before i had a type, if that makes sense. So, while i still think she's hot, i dont look at her and instantly think "wow, i'd love to date her!" anymore.

I guess what i'm getting at here, is that i had a great night, and got to see some old friends...and that that was it. The search continues. But it heartens me that i'm even on the search. 2 weeks ago, i wouldnt have imagined going to a party specifically hoping to meet someone and try to maybe develop something with them. It feels like a serious step forward for me.

So, i'm probably getting myself worked up over nothing. Most likely, she wont even bet there.

I'm going to a party tonight. It's a costume party, for an aquaintance's birthday. I went to highschool with the guy, and worked with him for a while at Xpect Discounts. What's got me all excited is the fact that one of HIS friends might be there. Her name is Deana, but we all used to call her Dee. I had a MAJOR crush on this girl at one time. I'm talking 3 years of highschool, and most of my first 2 years of college. I still wish i'd had the courage to ask her out, but every time i got close to taking the plunge, she'd have a new boyfriend, and i'd be left cursing myself for being a coward. Caitlin made me forget about her for a while, cuz well, a crush is nothing compared to actually experiancing love.

But...as part of my latest push to get over Caitlin and move on with my life, i've been trying to think of new girls i'd maybe want to date. and my thoughts would come back every now and then to Dee. The problem is, i have absolutely no way to contact her. I was never good enough friends with her to have her phone number, dont have her AIM or Livejournal or Myspace. Facebook was an option at one point, but the last time i tried to check, her profile no longer existed. So now this party is coming up, and I'm wondering if she'll be there. Like i said, probably not. But i'm still having trouble keeping myself from getting excited.

Monday was a shitton of fun. I searched all over milford and orange for a safari shirt to complete my indiana jones costume, but couldnt find one. It's alright though, cuz i had a shirt that works well enough. It was so fun cracking the bullwhip all night, and me and rob had a Snake/Indy fistfight. Then everyone kept wanting to try out the whip. Capslock (I think his name is Darren or something?) was pretending to whip me, and i felt bad cuz i pretended to get hit in the eye by the whip, which scared the crap out of Caitlin, cuz she thought i actually got hit. There was a little unpleasentness near the end of the night which is still really angering me, but i wont get into it here. ask me privately if you really want to know more. But all in all the night was a blast.

Tuesday actually wound up being fun too. I worked from 2:30 till 10:00, and then decided to go hang out at Davor's. so i stopped at Bella Napoli's and grabbed a couple pizzas, and then was hailed as a god when i arrived at Davor's with food. It was just Davor, Iggy, Sarah (Davor's current Girlfriend), and Mike Majoris by the time i got there, but we had fun. i played a couple games of beerpong, had a really good conversation with Davor and Mike (Iggy and Sarah had both gone to sleep by then), and then i drove the both of them to the diner, since i was the only really sober one. We ate, talked some more, and then Mom called. i hadnt noticed the time, and it was almost 4 AM. I cant even remember the last time i stayed out that late. I was already late, so we stayed out a while longer, and it was almost 5 till i finally dropped them both off and hit the sack, but it was totally worth it.

Nothing really exciting happened on Wed, just went to class, came home, and talked to a few people online. One fairly interesting conversation, but it didnt really go anywhere new.

Today i'm being kindof bad, i'm skipping class in order to catch dinner with Gabe, Gabe's brother Phil, and Gabe's friend Ramona. We're going to sushi palace, and it should be pretty fun. Oh, plus i Watched Music and Lyrics for like, the 5th time. and It actually picked my spirits up. i love the song the movie is kinda based around, "Way Back into love." It just cheers me up, cuz it reminds me that there are other people out there looking for love, and eventually i'm bound to find one of them.

for most of the last week, i've fallen asleep in my comfy armchair infront of my computer, rather than in my bed. I think i'm afraid to actually go to sleep lately, cuz each night i've been up till the small hours watching movies and stuff, only falling asleep when i'm too exhausted to keep my eyes open anymore.

This is because for the last 4 nights in a row, and intermittantly before that, i've been dreaming of Caitlin. Some were just regular, G rated cuddling scenes, or doing stuff together, or memories. Others were less family friendly. But they both result in the same thing. Me waking up full of loneliness and longing. It seems the further i manage to distance myself from my feelings for Caitlin in the waking world, the more i'm haunted by them in my sleep. It sucks, because it makes me want things i cant have. Caitlin doesnt want me in that way, doesnt want a relationship with me anymore. I need to accept that, but how can i when my own subconcious keeps hammering away at me?

I dont know what to do at this point, except to keep avoiding sleep and hope the problem stops. because as much as i love seeing her, even if it's just in my dreams, It's driving me crazy that i cant get that close to her in real life. I miss the feel of her in my arms, miss the smell of her hair. I miss everything all over again, and i cant stand it.

Well....it's time to go to work now. Then i'm going to the Army/Navy surplus store to search for a khaki shirt, and then onwards to Southern for the Anime Club Haloween party. That should be a good time.

So, i was nosing through the intarwebz, and happened upon this quote. I like it, cuz it makes me feel like less of a freak for having such a hard time letting go of the feelings and the baggage that was attatched to my relationship with Caitlin.

'You'll get over it...' It's the clichés that cause the trouble. To lose someone you love is to alter your life for ever. You don't get over it because 'it' is the person you loved. The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap never closes. How could it? The particularness of someone who mattered enough to grieve over is not erased by anyone but death. This hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no one else can fit. Why would I want them to?”

I'll always have a Caitlin shaped hole in my heart. that doesnt mean someone else cant fit in. i've got a big heart, there's lots of room. but i'll never feel the exact same way about someone else as i did about caitlin. I dont mean i'll never love someone as much. Hell, i'll probably love someone more someday, if i manage to find the right girl, get married, have kids, etc. But i'll never have the exact same feelings that she engendered in me, and thats ok, i guess. thats the way it's supposed to be, from what i can figure out. Its just a matter of accepting the fact that that tiny little voice that appears in the small hours and whispers "hey...hey...what if"...well he's never going away. but eventually, maybe i can learn to ignore him, or even embrace him. we'll see i guess.

I feel like i have to right this down, if just to get it out of my system.

I feel like i'm falling apart. Outwardly, i'm fine. I go about my day just like anyone else, talk to people, have fun with friends every now and then, the works. but inwardly... i'm slipping. This whole not talking to Caitlin thing...it bugs me. Like, it's working the way it's supposed to for the most part, i guess. I think about her less durring the day, and when i do, it's usually my now practiced litany of "you'll find someone new, someone who'll treat you like she should have, someone who will actually want to be around you, etc, etc." Its getting easier and easier to be alone, easier to think towards the future, and imagine dating someone else. But then, mostly in the small hours of the morning, when i'm up and almost no one else is, i get super depressed. I just miss her like crazy, and realize that even now, i'd go back to her in a heartbeat. and i shouldnt feel that way. I should be angry, offended, hurt, and a host of other feelings. but i'm not. Or, well, i am, but not to the degree i should be. mostly i'm just lonely, and sad. i find myself watching movies, and skipping throught the lovey-dovey type scenes, cuz i dont have that anymore. And then right on top of those thoughts, I'll realize that to some extent, i never did. I was never really "The Guy" for caitlin. I was conveniant, and nice, and ok to be around now and then. but if i ever got inconveniant, or if god forbid i got angry, or in some other way didnt mesh with what she wanted, she couldnt be bothered by me. I'm still in love with her, i cant change that, although sometimes i wish i could. But more and more, i'm realizing that unless she's willing to make major changes, i cant afford to take her back even if she wants me to, which instead of bolstering me, just makes me that much more depressed. I wish i could talk to her, work some of this out. Maybe, who knows, i'd even get some kind of apology, or at least an acknowladgement of my feelings. Thats another thing, is that thinking back, She never really cared about my feelings. All the shit she did, everything that happened, i feel like most of it, if she had just stopped to consider my feelings, she'd never have done them. but she didnt. it was all about what was going to make her feel better right then, what was going to be easier or more fun for her. and that makes me angry.

i guess what i'm getting at is that i feel like i'm being pulled apart at the seams. Half of me is still so much in love with caitlin. that half has already forgiven her, and will welcome her back with open arms if she comes back. and admittedly, that half is the stronger one. Thats just my nature, i forgive people. i couldnt change that if i wanted to. i dont hold grudges, i dont get angry often, i just...i deal. But that other part of me, that lesser half....he's pissed. He's hurt, and angry, devestated by the betrayal of his trust, and the continual denial of his feelings. I dont know how i should feel, and its driving me nuts.

But in the end, i guess i'll soldier on, keep fighting the good fight, and hope someone will come along and just erase this whole mess. More than anything right now, i want someone to be close to. I want someone to hold me, and pet my hair, and tell me that it's all alright now, i dont have to hurt anymore. But realistically, thats not gonna happen. It'll be a while till i find anyone. and i'll just have to be ok with that.

alright, time for work. but venting felt good.

today started terribly. I woke up suddenly, from a nightmare. I dont remember any details from this nightmare, except that Caitlin was in it, and she was crying uncontrolably. Needless to say, this freaked me out. However, this was immediately followed by me realizing "oh shit, i didnt set an alarm. thank god i just woke up, cuz i have to go to work in an hour" Then my mom made bacon, which kicked ass.

Work was awesome, if only because i got my new name tag and labcoat, making me "officially" a photolab technician. Now i get to where a shirt and tie to work, instead of the shitty poloshirt/uniform thing.

i got out of work, and everything was awesome for like, 3 hours, because i managed to fill up my tank for UNDER 30 DOLLARS!!! that hasnt happened in....i actually cant remember the last time that happened. buhyah!

I called Chris, and he's mailing me one component of my Halloween costume. I'm borrowing another from Poppop. I already own 2 items, and tomorrow i go to goodwill to look for the other 4 ingrediants of kickassery.

umm...thats about it actually, The day is slowly winding to a close. i'm pretty much going to bed now, since i've sat around doing nothing for the past 8 hours. i really need to find more people to hang out with, cuz i'm tired of weekends that suck. Well, friday was decent i suppose...but yeah, the rest of the weekend sucked.

So once again i've put myself in the way of disappointment...but...Its not so bad. I dunno, i have this vague feeling of acceptance. i guess i knew all along that i was heading towards a letdown, so i didnt get my hopes up as hih as i normally would. Its just odd. I've been waiting for this feeling of acceptance to settle in for the longest time, and now it's finally here, when i least expect it. *shrugs* no matter, suppose i'll make the best of it. Gabe invited me to some kind of get together on wed night. i guess him and this girl are going on a date, but in an effort to make it less "scary," They've each invited a few friends. Maybe i can make something happen out of that. At the very least, i can show off my singing voice (since we're all going to Karaoke at Martini's) *waggles eybrows*. Of all the weird things to feel.....i'm actually pretty cheerful right now. i guess i'm gonna go help my mom do some painting now, so time to change into ratty clothes.

So i went into work today and looked at my schedule for next week. pretty basic week, although apparently now i have permanent AM hours for monday. which rocks. I glanced at The current schedule, just to check my Saturday hours (7:30 to 2:30, if anyone's interested. i'll probably wind up going to Sleeping Giant for some hiking after work that day), and happened to see something for Wed. that i hadnt noticed before. Under Wed, my schedule said "Truck". I have no fucking clue what that means. So i asked the manager on duty, "Sophia...Ed wrote down Truck for my schedule tomorrow. Since i'm pretty sure there's no truck o'clock, what time whould i come in?" I guess i'm going in for 9, and leaving at 2. which is cool, thats another 5 hours i wasnt planning on. Yay money.

Today was actually a decent day of work. i developed a bunch of disposable cameras, and made fun of Erika all day. I also got to talk to Izzy, who's the coolest manager we have. well, assistant manager technically, but he's awesome. He's also one of the only guys i've talked to who doesnt think i'm crazy for keeping a little hope alive for Caitlin. He told me he thinks it shows real class, that i'm willing to put the past aside and move on.

It's weird, but i like CVS more and more the longer i work there. I wind up staying a little extra most days, helping the new shift get settled in and finishing stuff up in the photo lab so the next person doesnt have to work their ass off. I like the people i work with too, especially the photo crew. Hussain's the man, he taught me everything i know. Tas is...well he's far too ghetto for his own good, and scatterbrained besides, but he's just impossible to dislike (untill he starts pretending to rap....then i want to stab him). Chantel's really  nice, and cute too.

Today i feel manly. Not only did i use a power sander to completely sand off all the rust from the basement doors (you know, those ground level outside double doors that like, every basement ever has?), I also worked out. I know using power tools isn't like, totally awesome and insanely manly, but i dont use them often, so when i do, it makes me feel good. And i worked out for just the right amount of time, and the right intesity. So i have that weird ache that actually feels kinda good, where i know i excersized hard but didnt hurt myself.

So in conclusion, even though noone else probably cares much, today was a good day for my self esteem.

I finally downloaded a song that i've heard a bunch of times. I never really liked it 100%...but it just fits my situation so well. It's "You'll Think of Me" by Keith Urban. It...originally it was too bitter for my taste. but i kinda understand it now. I'm at the point where i wanna get rid of even the good memories, cuz they just jab into me. i lay awake at night just like the narrator of the song, thinking about all the good times, all the struggles and triumphs, disasters and windfalls. I'll never regret meeting caitlin, NEVER regret loving her. but...i want to forget about her for a while, and clear my head. cuz as emo as it sounds, i'm just so full of pain. I promised myself i'd never let her do that to me again, and i had to go and play with fire one more time. I got burned, as i should have expected to. So...Here's to stupidity learned from, and mistakes honestly made.

( You'll Think of Me )
And someday, someday she will.

So...It's over. For good. I'm giving up, as i should have the minute she left that letter. Or well, not giving up per say.  I'm closing the door on Caitlin and Me, but i'm not locking it. i dont think i'm capable of completely forgetting my feelings for her. But i'm not gonna try any more. i'm not gonna waste any more effort on what was a losing battle from the minute She kissed Jeremy. I have more important things to do with my life. So on her initiative, starting today, we're finally going No Contact. I'm not entirely happy about it, as i'd rather stay her friend then lose her entirely. But i can say, it's probably for the best. So, for anyone who cares, i'll be at souther alot less from now on. I'm not coming to Anime Club anymore, i'm not gonna come hang out like i used to. for special occasions, maybe, if one of you specifically invites me. but otherwise, it's safer for me, for her too i guess, if i just avoid campus.

For those of you who wonder, i'll be ok. and you can always call me. Cell number is 203-980-9711, if you want to.

Honestly, i feel worse for her than i do for myself right now. I hope she's happy, whoever she winds up with. But i know someday, she's gonna look back and think of me, and i dont know if there'll be anything i can do at that point. I treated her like a queen and got next to nothing in return. I'd still go back to her today, too. but it's not gonna happen, because she wont let it. so...screw it. Like i said, I give up.

Goodbye Caitlin.

( Goodbye Caitlin )

I should know who I am by now
I walk the record stands somehow
Thinking of winter
Your name is the splinter inside me

While I wait

And I remember the sound
Of your November downtown
And I remember the truth
A warm December with you

But I don't have to make this mistake
And I don't have to stay this way
If only I would wake

The walk has all been cleared by now
Your voice is all I hear somehow
Calling out Winter
Your voice is the splinter inside me

While I wait

I could have lost myself
In rough blue waters in your eyes
And I miss you still

I dont think I'm ever gonna stop missing her. Even when i'm right next to her, i miss her. Or, more to the point, i miss US. But...its getting just a little better every day, except for the days i backslide, but those are coming fewer and farther apart now. I'm proud of myself, in that i havent looked in that box once. I havent dragged out the letter, havent read the love notes, and i havent looked at the pictures or aimlogs. Sure, every other memory is of her, but i already knew my brain hated me. I'm off to NERO now, so have a nice weekend all.

 Fuck my dreams man. I dreamed that i met someone last night. Nothing racy or sexy about it, i was just on vacation with my family and i met a girl, we clicked, and wound up dating. it was a nice dream. of course, eventually i had to wake up,and now i'm alone again. This blows.

I'm off to Eisenhower Park to go hiking with my Aunt, Uncle, and Cousins. Should be pretty fun.